Freedom Wars: Fuck 7-5

Flying Fucking Spaghetti Monster
Flying Fucking Spaghetti Monster

Moments before I am about to die.

No, seriously. Fuck that mission. Fuck that ENTIRE mission! In fact, fuck that entire SERIES of missions (Except maybe the first part, it wasn’t too bad).

For those who enjoys the habitat of under a rock, Freedom Wars might as well be the sole reason of owning a PS Vita. No seriously, it is. Persona 4 Golden was rocking the house as ‘a reason’ but it just met its match when Freedom Wars became ‘the reason’ to own a Vita. I haven’t touched a console game in ages so when I come back to the aging Vita with something that gives it purpose, it was amazing…

…Until 7-3.

Let me give a breakdown: Freedom Wars is a more actiony hunting game, or basically ‘I can runs, fires rockets, pew pew bullets, and grinds for parts.’ Some people like the hunting genre (Monster Hunter fans, you know who you are) and others just can’t get into it (most likely from being scarred by MMOs that abuse the daylights out of grinding/gathering quests). What I honestly give Freedom Wars credit for is that you HONESTLY DO NOT need to grind to get more weapons. When doing certain missions, you will face off against AI sinners (humans like you) who ALSO have a selection of weapons. When they die, they drop the weapons they had. Guess what? You can loot that shit AND use it on the spot! Your gun out of ammo? Pick up that rocket launcher and make more splosions. Got bread and butter and no knife (oh my!)? That spear looks nice. Can has? And at the end of the mission, any weapons you picked up this way are yours for the keeping. Picked up everyone's weapons, you gun/spear/rocket/knife sporting sinner? They're YOURS, if the rarity is right! (Long story short, you have to earn the rights to higher rarity items. Big woopie!)

Sounds awesome right? Well, it gets a bit better and bit worse. You see, you can combine weapons together to combine modifications, or special attributes that change the weapon's statistics by a bit. Got a spear with (a rather useless) reload time reducer and a gun that has exploding bullets? Merge those bad boys together to get the reload reducer, exploding bullets, and... ice element down? Wait, what? Where did that come from? Oh, right... some modifications added are random, which makes the game unforgiving when you are trying to build a beefy weapon only to see it lose worth due to the RNG gods feeling like you aren't worthy. Best part? It has a Free 2 Play model on WAITING REAL TIME for weapons to be made! Dat badass flamethrower? 30 minutes or less. Aw, it has fire down? Woops.

So, less talky about the game itself and more about why you should just stop playing the game at 7-3. 7-3 is the FINAL mission of the game. You've made Alatreon your bitch. You've played VVVVVV and legitimately didn't die the entire play through. Dark Souls ain't got nothing on you and you eat Mushihimesama Futari for fucking breakfast! Get ready... to cry.

The problem with 7-3 is that it is a 3 part mission. After finishing 7-3, which is a mission of running through a gauntlet of enemies that honestly do not pose a threat. After finishing that, you'd assume, like all other missions, you go back to your cell, polish your sexy weapon collection (more than half being trophies from fallen sinners), and make more items than your inventory knows what to deal with. It'll be like all the others, right? Right? Welp, time to break the bad news: you don't. Suddenly the game changes the rules on you and you now have a rather annoying boss fight. So the one sinner has more health than anything you've seen before. So the abductor (the giant mechs of sheer derpstruction) is equally injected with health steroids so it is artificially harder only due to that. It can't be all bad after that?

Well, the problem is that is 7-4. 7-5 doesn't knock on your door like all the other gentlemen missions. It spelt a certain someone's name wrong. A certain someone who pissed in their Cheerios, raped their girlfriend, pillaged their village, got sent to jail for the aforementioned incidents, busted out, and now wants revenge even if it kills them. Oh, and that person is done waiting outside and has barged in with more guns than that one scene in the Matrix. And he wants you dead.

7-5 changes all the rules. In the past, the game taught you that if you break an enemy's part, it can no longer use it. Don't want it to rain missiles all over the place? Break it off. Laser cannons bringing you down? Break it off. 7-5 boss boxes doing nothing? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, DO NOT BREAK BOXES! At least, that is what it seems. When you break a box on THIS boss, it spawns out these things called 'chains' and these chains are like self-aware Doc Oct arms (well, they were already, weren't they? At least they didn't have LASERS!) with one thing in mind: poke to kill. Almost ANYTHING they do will one hit kill you and anyone you care about. That babe with a rocket launcher? Dead. That babe's assistant sporting a Gatling gun? Dead. Your babe assistant sporting a finely crafted rocket launcher from only the finest dead sinner's parts? D - E - FUCKING - Dead! The best part? If you leave the boxes alone, once the boss begins to feel pain (half way), it will open all the boxes you haven't broken and constantly revive the chains from these boxes. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It is bad enough that the boss is this game's version of the flying fucking spaghetti monster!

Chances are (and by that, we mean almost always) you will die. You will fail. You will be greeted with the grey screen of "you suck" while the mech spaghetti monster flies around with its noodly minions in the background. Oh well, beef up and try again, right? Open up the missions menu and... where is it? Where is 7-4? Where is 7-5? (On second thought, not seeing 7-5 on the missions listing is probably a good thing since I won't have my eyes burned off each time I open the mission menu) You see, unlike all other missions that get unlocked when you finish them, 7-4 and 7-5 are behind the hidden wall of 7-3, meaning you have to once again run through the gauntlet of derps, face derpstructionator and his posse, Sir Derp, all before you get another chance at the flying spaghetti monster. Die again and you can start a postal service for the sinners stuck in Limbo that is 7-3. Make the most of it. At least give value that is this fucking mess.

Can it be beaten? Only with the sacrifice of your soul, first-born child, and intense training of dark ninja arts do you stand a chance. Before that happens, you will surely memorize the entire script for each cut-scene in-between. You will throw your overly priced Vita against more walls than your room actually has. Oh, and you will die. A lot.

Unless you cheat. Save scumming for the best weapons is the best place to start. The second thing to do is... use multiplayer? Sort of. You see, the game does have online co-op, but the mission does NOT even appear in the listing when you attempt to start a mission, so you can't bring an Asian army to help save you (for the record, they were the first to warn us of this hellish mission). What you CAN do is use local multiplayer. "But I don't know anyone else with a Vita and a copy of the game!" I hear you cry. Well, the interesting thing is that the game gives you random NPCs to fill the slots. And the best part? You can START DIRECTLY AT 7-5!?! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! You mean to tell us that you can start the hardest mission directly IN LOCAL MULTIPLAYER but not ONLINE OR SINGLE PLAYER?! Le gasp! It is like the developers didn’t plan this one out at all! Punish the players for buying our game, they said. Unless they have a friend who also paid too much for a portable and the game, they said. That is some major bullshit.

In all seriousness, the game is good, except for that hell hole of a mission. Once you get to that point, consider the game beaten. Fuck 7-5.

And the mesh flying spaghetti monster. Fuck that thing, too!


  1. First comment i ever leave outside of facebook, but this post is so special because i finally feel that someone understands me

  2. I think my beating 7-5 was a fluke. I tried again and again, but it isnt happening. Im currently upgrading my shaz to show that peltatum potato I own him. One day…..

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